America’s pastime or snoozetime?

Once upon a time, I dated a guy that was a hardcore Sox fan.  He had season tickets thus, I often accompanied him to the games when one of his buddies was not able to attend.  I happen to be a lifelong Cubs fan however, I’m a cubs fan in the same way that many people are Christian or Republican.  I was raised that way. The difference being that I’m really just a lukewarm fan, not just of the Cubs but of baseball in general.

Now anyone that knows me is aware of my deep affinity for the Bears.  And by “deep affinity” I mean “fervent obsession”.  Those that have had the ill-fated opportunity to watch a Bears game with me…well, I’m sorry.  Your hearing will return.  Maybe.  Anyways, this love for football never transferred over to baseball.

The beginning of the 2010 baseball season is upon us and with it, an increasing number of Facebook and Twitter updates reflecting this with high enthusiasm.  I see these and sigh audibly.  Part of me really wishes that I shared in this excitement but I just can’t summon it.  I mean, I’ve been to games and I have had fun when I’m there, but it has more to do with the collective energy of so many fans in one place and the excessive amounts of beer rather than a love for the game.  I just don’t get it.  That said, I am an ardent Chicago sports fan so I’m always pulling for our teams, and you really can’t even live in the state, let alone call yourself a Chicagoan without choosing a team—Cubs or Sox.

Here’s how a game plays out to me:

The batter begins to make his way to the base at a snail’s pace, swinging the bat in the air a few dozen times, making him look like an epileptic freak about to turn on somebody.  He inevitably spits, the most cliché of all the baseball moves.  I imagine that there is a correlation between the amount of saliva a player expels from his mouth and his penis size, that being, the more it happens the more he has to prove.   Although, let’s be honest.  They’re all taking steroids so their manhood is already compromised.

While this is happening, the pitcher is acting like an impatient horse on the mound, also spitting and flailing his arms about.  The pitcher grabs his crotch a few thousand times, I’m assuming because it’s itchy from all that grabbing and makes what seems to be inappropriate gestures to the catcher.  Yeah, yeah.  I know.  They’re signaling pitches or whatever.  But you know they throw in a “I’ll pitch you something… like a tent”, from time to time.  Just to spice things up.

After about five minutes of this, the batter finally makes his way and prepares to step into the box (that’s what it’s called, right?).  But before he does so, he swings the bat a few more times—just in case the four dozen previous times weren’t enough, and he tries to look menacing to the pitcher.  He steps forward and now the pitcher stalls, I think because he’s trying to catch the batter by surprise which is ridiculous because he’s standing right in front of him and is clearly paying attention.

The pitcher at long last throws the ball and more often than not, it doesn’t result in anything interesting happening.  It’s a strike or a walk, or the batter hits a fly, or he hits it directly to an outfielder who catches it immediately.  Then this excruciatingly lengthy process begins again.  Sometimes they hit a grounder (again, I just placing baseball terms I’ve heard and putting them where I imagine they would go) and even though they know they’re going to be out, these overweight, elderly gentlemen attempt to heave their beer guts over to first base also at a pace that is exceedingly slow for professional athletes.

Speaking of which, baseball is really the only sport in which the athletes can be fat.  Even golfers have to stay thin because a protruding belly would get in the way of their swing.  The majority of football players are all in superb shape (and yes, I am aware that some of them are not but they still have incredible strength and would pound the shit out of you).  Baseball players are a veritable collection of borderline-obese, lazy assholes that stand in one place and swing a stick occasionally at a ball.  It isn’t that far off from golf when you think about it except that golfers have to actually have an aptitude at precision as their equipment tends to be much smaller than those commonly used in baseball.  (I’m making sweeping generalizations here and this is clearly a hyperbole for those of you that are going to attack me with examples of when this does not hold true.)

Now I’m not trying to say that baseball is all bad.  Sometimes you have a really good player that will bring some action with them and make it more exciting.  But—with there being no salary caps in the sport, too often teams are horrendously mismatched making you feel like you’re watching Mike Tyson fight a rhythmic gymnast.

My other issue with baseball is that there are far too many games.  How can a fan keep up?  Football is great.  16 regular season weeks.  You can devote your Sunday to the games, eat like a baseball player all day (ha) and relax.  Baseball games seem to be endless.  They don’t just play each team once but three times in a row.  Sometimes they even play the same team in multiple series.  And forget about the playoffs.  What are there?  7 potential games per round just to figure who is going to the World Series?  I would literally have to develop an Adderall addiction just to keep up.  This is far too big of a commitment for me.

In football you get one chance.  One.  That’s why the playoffs and Superbowl are so exciting.  You have no choice but to play with everything you’ve got because there’s no second chance.  It’s now or never.  That kind of drama I like.  Baseball—the attitude seems to be, “Well, I’m having an HPV flare up and was dealing with some indigestion from that burrito I had earlier.  But whatever.  We’re going to play again tomorrow so it’ll be fine.”  I’m not saying this is what actually happens, just what the, or my (if you prefer) perception is.

I know at this point I seem like a complete baseball hater.  I really am not.  It’s alright.  I don’t loathe it the way I do tennis or golf.  I just don’t understand how people can get so hyped about it.  I find it akin to getting thrilled about Mondays.  “Fuck yeah!  It’s Monday!  It’s really slow and boring, and there’ll be 51 other Mondays this year just like it, and nothing that happens today really matters or means anything…but let’s get this party started!”  On the other hand, perhaps this is the existential optimistic attitude.  Getting amped about something that is usually so boring and occurs so often that it’s easy to become apathetic.  But some people move past this to see the greatness of…um, whatever it is that they deem as remarkable about the sport.  At the end of the day, maybe we could all learn a little something from baseball fans.