Take me or leave me

Somehow last night, I stumbled across a new show entitled “Plain Jane“.  Basically, the premise is that the model-esque host (Louise Roe)

Louise Roe

takes ordinary looking girls, magically turns them into someone completely different, and sends them on a semi-blind date with a guy they have a secret crush on.

First, Louise calls the guy up, says something to the effect of “I have a girl that likes you and wants to go on a date with you” <–insert an annoying high school girl voice here.  Louise and the PJ then literally follow the guy to suss him out, all the while Louise is encouraging Facebook stalking.

Next, the pair go shopping for a new “look”.  On the particular episode I watched, the PJ was a button-up and jeans kind of girl.  What do they put her in?  A bright red dress, one-shoulder, and a hemline only acceptable in Wrigleyville bars.  They give her blond highlights, a ridiculous amount of extensions, enough make-up to “cover her up”, then throw her in 4 inch stilletos and ta-da!  Transformed!

Louise and the victim then go into a grocery store where she is challenged to pickup a guy.  She has a device that resembles an alcohol monitoring bracelet placed on her ankle so that while Louise watches her attempt to talk to men, if the PJ does anything that is deemed to be “bad”, she gets a light electric shock.

Finally, after two days of an intense attempt of altering the PJ forever, she is sent to reveal herself to the unsuspecting guy.  As the girl walks out, Louise says repeatedly to the camera, “I hope he recognizes her”.

Basically this show is a disgusting display of one of the problems with dating today.  There are a fair amount of people that believe in order to “get the guy” (or girl for that matter), they have to pretend to be someone else.  On this particular show, the message is, “Don’t be yourself.  Change everything about who you are.  Ignore all of your instincts.”  That’s just dumb.  You can’t keep up that charade forever firstly, but more importantly, why do you want to be with someone that doesn’t appreciate you in all your neurotic glory?  Apparently what was “wrong” with the girl on this show is that she’s shy and a bit conservative.  So they throw her in a short dress and tell her to act opposite of how she would normally.  Guess what?  It is horribly awkward to watch because you can tell that it is not her being herself.  There’s some guy out there that would think her natural demeanor is adorable and appreciate a more conservative attitude.

I will say this though.  We all have our dating dysfunctions.  Some people act how they perceive others want them to, some are on their best behavior in order to hide the more “negative” aspects of themselves, some play silly games.  Here is mine: I fear intimacy.  Not just in dating, but in all relationships.  It’s very cliche–the old “I’ve been hurt so many times”, blah, blah, blah.  I know it’s stupid but it is literally automatic now.  I don’t even realize that I’m doing it.  I basically have to be coerced into opening up–just ask any of my ex’s.  This is evidenced in my extreme sarcasm and constant teasing that I impose on people I haven’t given my trust to yet.  Yes, I am always sarcastic and poke fun at my friends (with the love) but it’s pretty constant and relentless with newcomers.  It’s almost like a test.  If you give me shit back instead of being offended and irritated, then we can be friends.

I have more than once in my life heard that I am an acquired taste.  I imagine that it is because I can seem like a real jerk when you first meet me when in fact, I am just protecting myself with sarcasm.  Once you “pass the test” though, I am the most devoted and loyal of friends.  I’m a loving and appreciative in reality, but I do have to wonder how many relationships, dating or otherwise, I have missed because of this wall.  So the question is this: If your instinct is to keep people you do not know very well at arms length which can sometimes be polarizing, should you stop or be appreciative that you have the foresight and knowledge to filter out a lot of people that would perhaps harm you in the end?  Mayhaps the lesson here is, let the test of people be their actions and not how much abuse they can take.

I’ve certainly made mistakes in dating and as a control freak expert, I always want to go back and fix the problem.  A do-over if you will.  Unfortunately this is usually not possible.  Once you make a mistake all you can do is learn and move on.  But sometimes we just are who we are, defective personality traits and all, so how do you apologize for that?  You shouldn’t.  You have to balance learning from life and staying true to who you are, even when you’re not perfect.  Listen, I’ll never be the girl that quietly sits in the corner at a bar and just agrees with everything that is said.  I’ll never be able to ride a bike without getting a million knots in my hair.  I’ll always hate running and vegetables.  I am very opinionated but also dedicated.  And believe it or not I am extremely empathetic and understanding.  If I consider you a close friend, I’ll sit with you for hours listening and advising, I’ll drive you to the hospital and sit patiently the entire time (thanks Ben), and support every dumb decision you make.  But there’s nothing I love more than making people laugh and smile–even if I miss the mark sometimes.    Underneath it all, there is good intention, as I believe we all have.  So rather than trying to change ourselves or others, we should just accept these things.  As Deepak Chopra says “What will really make you attractive is not working on your weak points but embracing them”.

Free fallin’

I’ve always been a big fan of nostalgia.  New Years is my favorite holiday for this exact reason.  I love any opportunity to stop for a minute and reflect on year’s past and revel in all of the great and unexpected things that have happened along the way.  It just amazes me how fast time passes and with it, all of the change it brings.  This often comforts me since I tend to be a worrier and when I am able to be reflective, I realize that things almost always turn out for the best and that the greatest things that happen to me, I would have never expected.

A few weekends ago, I attended the Taste of Randolph in the West Loop.  It was a lovely evening filled with food, drinks and some dear friends.  At one point, everyone went to stand in the ridiculously long line to procure a beer, and I decided to remain in our spot.  As I looked around, I thought about the previous year at this street fest, where I went on a first date.  What I recalled most clearly was not anything in particular that happened, but the feeling that I had that day.  It was really a kind of anticipation and excitement for the unknown.  I hadn’t had that feeling in a long time and I have to say that it was rather unexpected.  I’m typically immune to these types of feelings and it takes a very unique and incredible person for me to get even a little excited over.  What I found to be astounding, however, was the fact that almost exactly one year later, I was able to summon these same feelings standing in the middle of the street, alone, long after the relationship ended.

I have a friend, let’s call her Schmaley.  Schmaley is a sucker for love.  She loves being in love.  And loves the love of love…or something.  When I introduced her to her current boyfriend/receiver of love, I had serious doubts pretty quickly.  I actually really liked this guy and thought he was pretty great, but the sheer speed at which they proclaimed their love for one another and to everyone else was frightening.  His roommate and I shook our heads in disbelief, bracing ourselves for the fall.  Several weeks later, we were all out, and another friend asked me, “Did you know they’ve already been talking about marriage?” and sadly, my reply was “Yes”.  This couple has now been together approximately 3 months and change, and they are currently apartment hunting for their cohabitation beginning August 1^st.

I have another friend that we’ll call Person Q.  Person Q is always telling me what a hopeless romantic he is.  How he believes that the “heart wants what it wants” and that we have no control over these matters.  He recently met a lady, and after basically hanging out with her one time, has declared her perfect for him (I’m summarizing).  I will not go into details here, but let’s just say that the situation is extremely complicated and by being together, others will be hurt.  I say, stay the fuck away from messy situations.  He says, ah—love. 

I believe that love exists.  I do.  But I don’t know that this immediate, overwhelming connection is possible…for me.  I think that some people are just reckless in love.  Everyone gets a little excited at the prospect of dating, just some control it better than others.  If I don’t allow myself to get in a tizzy like a puppy on Adderoll, then I won’t ever “fall in love” within 30 seconds, but I also won’t get my heart shattered a thousand times by unworthy suitors.  I think this is a fair trade off, seeing that I eventually will love, once the right person earns and deserves that honor.  And that takes time.  You can’t measure the amount of time that it takes to really get to know someone in days or weeks. But whether or not you completely know someone, is it possible to feel such a connection that it doesn’t matter?  Basically “sensing” that you know them without the time to back it up with?

In recent years, I have been extraordinarily particular about who I seriously date, to the point where I’ve only been in one relationship for the past three years—and that only lasted 4 months.  While I’ll admit that there is a small, small, very small part of me that envies the “infatuation lovers”, overall, I’m pleased with my choices.  And yes, I believe that love is a choice.  You choose how much you give, and who you give it to.  Surely some people come into our life and we feel more connected to them than others, but I choose to talk to them and engage them.

Know that I am not trying to rain on anyone’s parade.  I don’t think that Schmaley or Person Q aren’t in love when they say they are.  I just choose to be more cautious.  I’m a unique person with particular needs and if I don’t find that, I’m okay with being alone.  Hence, I will only choose that path if I find someone that I feel can fit into my existing life.  Let’s also be clear that I’m not trying to insinuate that others are careless and just love anybody that crosses their path.  But by being “reckless”, as I say, you are more open to potential opportunities, but also, more open to getting hurt, which is the trade off.  Is it worth it?  I don’t know.  I hate getting hurt, but I love being happy more.

So the question I suppose I am posing here is, can you just know in a short period of time that someone is “right” for you long-term, and if so, is loving recklessly worth the risk of getting hurt?  And if things always tend to work out for the best in the long run, then does it even matter?

The way you make me feel

Last year, I engaged in a little activity known as “online dating”.  It only lasted about two weeks due to the horrific nature of the experience.  I was recently in the process of writing a blog about dating and reactivated my account in order to collect some information.  My intention was to delete it the same day except that the lovely okcupid professionals won’t let you do so for 7 days, seemingly to coerce people into staying.

The following day, I was needing to get out of the house.  Being unemployed is rather boring and the cabin fever was definitely setting in.  Unfortunately, everyone was either working, staying in or had other plans.  So at about 8 pm, when I was notified that I had a new message, I did something spontaneous and dangerous.  I asked this person if they wanted to meet me for wine.  He accepted.

I showed up at Bin36 where my dear friend Josh bartends.  I told him about what I had done and he responded, “If he sucks can I make fun of him?” to which I replied, “But of course”.  I anxiously awaited his arrival while drowning myself in my glass of wine thinking that perhaps I shouldn’t have such a negative attitude about it.  I mean, sometimes in life, the best experiences are those you don’t anticipate or happen in an unexpected way.

He walked in and looks wise, he wasn’t bad.  Josh offered him a drink which he refused.  Intypical CC style, I tried to convince (read: badger) him to enjoy a frosty beverage with me.  This is when I learned that he is a recovering alcoholic.  Now let me say that there is nothing inherently wrong with that.  I think that it takes a lot of personal strength to identify that you have a problem and then take the steps to fix it.  That said, I think that on a first date, this is probably oversharing.  Especially in the first few minutes.  I was still willing to be open-minded at this point though.

Another couple of minutes later, he divulged that he has a severe case of ADD.  To be honest, he didn’t really need to tell me this as it was clearly apparent.  He talked about a million miles a minute and switched topics so quickly that I gave up trying to pay attention.  Through the jumble of words, here are some things I learned: he lives in an “apartment” that is actually zoned for a business use which means that he has no heat because you need a business license in order to have that utility; he went to school for fashion; he makes mixtapes; and he is a self-proclaimed highly talented DJ and believes that he has to “make it big” because he has so much talent.

My head was spinning from the sheer speed of which he delivered information, so after about an hour, I feigned sleepiness and got the fuck out of there.  He popped some gum in his mouth as we were getting up, so in order to protect myself from an attempted kiss, I grabbed one of the highly garlicky breadsticks from the bar and chomped on it as we walked out and left it in my mouth as I gave him an awkward hug outside.

While this story is laughable and definitely not the worst one I have in my arsenal, the point is ultimately that there was no connection.  Not even on a friendship level.  The problem I had last year with on-line dating is that there is no way to tell if you are able to “click” with someone through the interwebs.  And in order to find out if a person might be someone you would even be interested in hanging out with, you have to, well, hang out with them.  Aaaaand based on my previous experience, there is a damn good chance that you won’t enjoy the company of this random person and in the process, waste valuable time.  That’s time I could be spending with my amazing friends that are a guaranteed great evening.  I don’t care about dating enough to waste my life with crappy people.

Now, in fairness, I have come to realize something about myself.  I am a cynical hopeless romantic.  I am often of the opinion that I have consistently bad experiences in dating and have even referred to myself as the female “Good Luck Chuck” and have coined a specific dating curse as the “CC Hype”.  I tend to be guarded and will immediately list all of the negative traits of a person I meet in order to mentally prepare myself for the worst.  In fairness, I don’t necessarily dwell on those aspects of a person, I just like to look at all sides of a situation.  On the other hand, there is a part of me that remembers a time when I got excited about dating and it’s possibilities (which is somewhat uncomfortable for me to publicly admit. Ha).  However, when relationships are good, they are really good.

When I think about the happiest day of my life, the first thing that comes to mind is a day, not so long ago when I was dating someone rather special.  It was July 3^rd to be exact and we were meeting some people at Hotel 71 downtown.  In the lobby, which was playing music, we began to dance and it was probably one of the most romantic things that has ever happened to me.  It wasn’t even just simply the impromtu dancing.  It was that in that moment, we felt as though we were the only people in the world (if I can be so cliché).  There was an emotional and mental connection that happened then that I know I had never experienced at that level before.  After we met up with who we were waiting for, we went for drinks and food.  About 30 minutes in, one of his friends turned to us and said, “You guys are kind of like the greatest couple ever.  You are perfect together.”  This was a completely random comment to make as we were just engaging in general conversation with the entire group, but as he said it, I felt really proud and exhilarated and perhaps even allowed myself to be open to the possibility of love again for the first time in years.

Nothing that exciting happened that night and we even missed the fireworks, but none of it mattered.  What made it special was the connection that happened that evening through the smallest of acts, which didn’t seem apparent to anyone else besides us, except that it was.  When I start getting too cynical, this is the day I think about.

Romance isn’t flowers, or candy or jewelry.  Real romance consists of moments that have meaning and inscribe themselves to your memory.  These things can’t be bought at a store.  While the aforementioned relationship ended, the authenticity of it was what real connections are made of.  It happens spontaneously, when you least expect it.  I find it hard to believe that you can find this level of “realness” on the internet.  I’m sure it has happened, but I prefer for it to find me.  In the meantime, I will do my best to not be overly negative.  Sometimes I find it unlikely that the connection I felt that summer day can be matched or exceeded, but here’s to hoping that deep down, I believe it can.

What about love?

I’ve never really been someone that just blindly believes in something without questioning it and looking at it from all angles.  I became an independent democrat with this method, as well as an agnostic (okay—seems contradictory but I’m sure there will be a future blog about that process).  What this means, is that I not only will stand firmly behind my ideologies, I can give you logical and factual information that led me to that particular conclusion.

Last summer, I was respectfully challenged on the subject of marriage.  I tried to defend this age-old institution but was surprised that I really didn’t know why I felt so strongly about it.  I’m not comfortable with saying “It’s just something you do”.  This frustrated me to no end and initiated a search to answer this all-important question: Why, in an age where women are independent, do we still need marriage to qualify our relationships?

You don't own me

Now firstly, let me explain that I’m not talking about monogamous relationships.  I believe that I can say with confidence that monogamy is very healthy and it helps us to develop maturity, empathy and a multitude of other characteristics that help us to be better people.  I think there are many benefits to serious relationships, however, after confronting a challenge to dating’s often eventual future—marriage, I wondered if perhaps we have moved past marriage.  Sure.  Legally there are many benefits to marriage.  Why do you think there is such a movement to include the gay population in this ritual?  But besides for the legal issues, what is the point of marriage in the year 2010?

I have heard the opinion that marriage is just an action that gives people a “false sense of security”.  I understand this.  I mean, how many people do you know that were dating someone for many years, moved in together, and eventually got married just because it was the next logical step?  Or people that threaten their significant other with leaving if a wedding isn’t near on the horizon?  Or those that are very happy until they get married, when they stop working towards having a healthy relationship and begin taking their partner for granted?  I’m sure you know someone that fits into all of these categories, perhaps even yourself.

So I began my search and really couldn’t find anything that would substantiate a valid reason to engage in marriage.  I saw studies that showed married people were happier, but I had to wonder, is that a reason to get married?  Surely if you approach it with the attitude that you’re going to do it because a statistic says you’ll be happier, you’ll find yourself involved in a messy divorce someday.  Obviously, marriage is better for children, but it’s not necessarily marriage.  Just the presence of both parents.  I can certainly be in a committed, monogamous relationship that includes raising children without having a wedding.  And I can commit myself to someone without having a ring on my finger.  It wasn’t looking good.

Then I came across Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book, entitled appropriately enough, Committed.  This was the follow up to Ms Gilbert’s world-renowned Eat, Pray, Love and before you cringe and close this window, hear me out.

Liz is a woman in her thirties, once divorced, that was perfectly happy being in a great relationship with no plans to ever get married.  Due to some legal circumstances (mainly her boyfriend lacking US citizenship), she was forced to get married or lose this man forever.  This story is about her coming to terms with marriage in a way that I would embark upon myself—highly researched and well-thought out.

Liz begins with a brief history of marriage in the western world, which is very interesting.  I won’t go into the details here, but just know that marriage has almost always been arranged, economically driven, unromantic or some combination of all or some of these.  So when conservatives talk about the “sanctity of marriage”, they’re really referring to trading women for money or ensuring that a woman has a husband that can support her while she stays home and bears children.

One thing that Liz discusses, is that how, in the later half of the 20^th century until the present, marriage has become more about love and less about logistics or money.  Rather than trying to reconstruct this tale in my own words, here is an excerpt from the book:

“So this transformation of marriage from a business deal to a badge of emotional affection has weakened the institution considerably over time—because marriages based on love are, as it turns out, just as fragile as love itself…To put it simply, I do not need this man in any of the ways that women have needed men over the centuries….So where does that leave us?  Why do I need this man at all?  I need him only because I happen to adore him, because his company brings me gladness and comfort, and because, as a friend’s grandfather once put it, “Sometimes like is too hard to be alone, and sometimes life is too good to be alone.”

I agree with this…mostly.  Something that has always perturbed me is the notion that if we are single, we are “alone”.  I don’t believe that at all.  I certainly have a wonderful group of friends and family that I can always turn to for support or comfort.  And you know what?  Sometimes I want to be alone.  I enjoy my own company and while it makes me happy to be surrounded by loving people, [lame alert] I am my own best friend.  Much like what John Mayer refers to as “perfectly lonely”.  That said, I do understand the companionship that comes from a committed relationship and these types of special connections really can’t be compared to other types of relationships.  There definitely is a component that is unmatched.

This is what I call "true love"

Liz also discusses the fun and horrifying ride known as infatuation.  What a nightmare.  In my world, this is referred to as “CC Hype”.

“Infatuation is the most perilous aspect of human desire.  Infatuation leads to what psychologists call ‘intrusive thinking’—that famously distracted state in which you cannot concentrate on anything other than the object of your obsession….The problem with infatuation, of course, is that it’s a mirage, a trick of the eye—indeed, a trick of the endocrine system.  Infatuation is not quite the same thing as love; it’s more like love’s shady second cousin who’s always     borrowing money and can’t hold down a job.  When you become infatuated with somebody, you’re not really looking at the person; you’re just captivated by your own reflection, intoxicated by a dream of completed that you have projected on a virtual stranger….Any actual relating is impossible during such state of pitched fever.  Real, sane, mature love—is based not on infatuation but on affection and respect.”

This is an important point since so many people confuse love with infatuation, thus leaving many devastated.  No relationship can be lasting for years, let alone a lifetime if this is what it is based on.  Sometimes we have to go back to basics before marriage can even become a glimmer of an idea in our lives.

Which brings us back to the central question: what is the point of this ceremony?  Additional insight from Liz:

“MARRIAGE IS NOT PRAYER!  That’s why you have to do it in front of others, even in front of your aunt who smells like cat litter.  It’s a paradox, but marriage actually reconciles a lot of paradoxes: freedom with commitment, strength with subordination, wisdom with utter nincompoopery, etc.  And you’re missing the main point—it’s not just to ‘satisfy’ other people.  Rather you have to hold your wedding guests to their end of the deal.  They have to help you with your marriage; they help to support you if one of you falters.

What is it about a public, legal wedding ceremony that means so much to everyone anyhow?  Any why was I so stubbornly—almost belligerently—resistant to it?  My aversion made even less sense, considering that I happen to be somebody who loves ritual and ceremony to an inordinate degree.  Look, I’ve studied my Joseph Campbell, I’ve read The Golden Bough, and I get it.  I thoroughly recognize that ceremony is essential to humans: It’s a circle that we draw around important events to separate the momentous from the ordinary.  And ritual is a sort of magical safety harness that guides us from one stage of our lives into the next, making sure we don’t stumble or lose ourselves along the way.”

This really struck a chord with me.  It is true that by bringing someone into your life, they often become part of it.  Which means what happens between you, also happens to those around you.  By offering this ritual as a symbol to your closest friends and family, it isn’t just about the bride and groom.  It’s about your life together which ultimately includes everyone you hold dear to your heart.

Anyways, this is just a small sample of my findings to date, and I continue to look into this subject with an open mind.  As we evolve as a country, culture and people, we have to take time out sometimes to really look at our actions to ensure that our intent matches our desire.